The Krammy Awards

Movie stars have their Oscars, praising Nicholson and Demi,

If Everybody Loves Raymond, he can win an Emmy,

If you could put these words to music, you might just win a Grammy,

But stars of the courtroom can only win a Krammy.

Unlike the Academy Awards, some recipients of this year’s Krammy Awards may need to trade designer gowns, tuxedos and jewels for bright orange jumpsuits and bracelets that fit tight around both wrists. Some have fared better than others, but many have tripped on the red carpet leading to the courtroom.

While the balloting was very close this year, the votes have been tabulated by the prestigious accounting firm of Arthur Andersen and, according to Art, the winners of the 2003 Krammy Awards are:

For Acting ... in Self-Defense: John Allen Muhammad — Proving the adage that “he who represents himself has a fool for a client,” the accused Beltway Sniper starred in the opening act of his own trial by playing the part of his own lawyer. While claiming that he “had nothing to do with these crimes,” he unwittingly proved otherwise as he attacked the guesswork of prosecutors: “They wasn't there. I was. I know what happened, and I know what didn't happen.” Perhaps he needed a better script.

For Best Supporting Sniper: Lee Boyd Malvo — Though his lawyers portrayed Muhammad as the wiser mastermind behind the sniper shootings, this teenager at least had the good sense to leave the legal shots to his lawyers, who ultimately saved his life ... at least, for now.

For Best Musical Score: Michael Jackson — When raiding his fairy-tale ranch, police didn’t find Jackson’s other glove. But the prosecutor, whom the King of Pop once lampooned in a song, claimed to score enough points to charge him with child molestation. The song didn’t win Wacko Jacko a Grammy, but his musical taunting of the District Attorney helped to earn him an indictment ... and a Krammy.

For Unreasonable Doubts: Jurors in Texas v. Durst — Sure, Robert Durst dismembered the body of his cranky old neighbor and threw the pieces in the bay before leaving town with $600,000 to finance his brief life as a fugitive ... but that doesn’t mean he killed anybody! Not guilty.

For Overzealous Casting: Robert “Don’t-Do-the-Crime-if-You-Can’t-Do-the-Time” Blake — The 70-year-old actor faces life in prison without parole, but apparently wants to spend the rest of his life in a courtroom instead. Listing 670 potential witnesses, his epic trial may not earn him another Emmy, but the Baretta star can now add a Krammy to his jailhouse mantle.

For Best Legal Fantasy: Scott Peterson — He may have made Santa’s naughty list this year, but that didn’t stop his lawyer from giving his Christmas wish list to the judge hearing his case. Not only has Peterson moved to dismiss all charges, he has demanded that prosecutors return his pickup truck and the $15,000 in cash he was carrying when he was arrested for murder. Outraged by this travesty of justice, his lawyer claims that the “circumstances underlying this motion would be comical if they were not so dreadful.” While Peterson’s motion may not be very amusing, and he is not likely to win his freedom or his car, his laughable need for transportation has earned him a Krammy.

While Martha and Kobe didn’t win Krammies this year, and neither have commented publicly on their nominations, something tells us they may have better “luck” next year. See you at the awards ceremony.